Fuck No Jezebel

Yuuupppp.
Best parts:
“The bride wore H&M; the groom wore the Fair Isle sweater he’d had on when the bride scoped him out in the stacks of an Oxford University library a year before.”
But did they eat lentils?
“Afterward we ate at a Yelp 4-star Italian restaurant, where the waiter hovered over our table to ensure my 20-year-old friend didn’t sneak a sip from the champagne bottle, and we split the bill evenly.”
Because of course.
“I want to require bridal magazines be sold wrapped in brown paper and that Disney amend all its fairy tales to show Snow White et al carrying out long-distance Skype-assisted relationships with their various Prince Charmings while they pursue their masters or start their careers at nonprofits.”
Realistic! 
“ I was once uninvited from a twentynothing’s wedding when I tactlessly announced to the bride that I was too poor to buy her anything but a single juice glass from her extravagant Pottery Barn gift registry and that perhaps she should have waited to get hitched until she and her friends had graduated from college.”
At least she’s self aware?
I get so annoyed by people like this. They shit on everyone’s wedding, but then when they get married, suddenly it’s worth talking about. And in 5 years, she’s going to be that person who hates kids…except for her little angels!
Why did you show me this!? But yeah, it’s basically every Jez post/comment on marriage rolled into one horrifying post. 

Yuuupppp.

Best parts:

The bride wore H&M; the groom wore the Fair Isle sweater he’d had on when the bride scoped him out in the stacks of an Oxford University library a year before.”

But did they eat lentils?

Afterward we ate at a Yelp 4-star Italian restaurant, where the waiter hovered over our table to ensure my 20-year-old friend didn’t sneak a sip from the champagne bottle, and we split the bill evenly.”

Because of course.

I want to require bridal magazines be sold wrapped in brown paper and that Disney amend all its fairy tales to show Snow White et al carrying out long-distance Skype-assisted relationships with their various Prince Charmings while they pursue their masters or start their careers at nonprofits.”

Realistic! 

 I was once uninvited from a twentynothing’s wedding when I tactlessly announced to the bride that I was too poor to buy her anything but a single juice glass from her extravagant Pottery Barn gift registry and that perhaps she should have waited to get hitched until she and her friends had graduated from college.”

At least she’s self aware?

I get so annoyed by people like this. They shit on everyone’s wedding, but then when they get married, suddenly it’s worth talking about. And in 5 years, she’s going to be that person who hates kids…except for her little angels!

Why did you show me this!? But yeah, it’s basically every Jez post/comment on marriage rolled into one horrifying post. 

I hope this stupid fuckhead is infertile.

I hope this stupid fuckhead is infertile.

"I have Asperger’s. Now let me diagnose you with Asperger’s."

"I have Asperger’s. Now let me diagnose you with Asperger’s."

Thank you for your insight.

Thank you for your insight.


Oh, shut up. 

Oh, shut up. 

It’s a shame he didn’t. 

It’s a shame he didn’t. 

You can leave an expensive watch at home.
You can lock your car.
You can lock your house. 
How do I leave my vagina at home? Can I lock my pussy? Can we stop comparing pussy to objects? It doesn’t work for so many reasons. Also, it makes you sound like a fucking idiot when you compare robbery with rape. 

You can leave an expensive watch at home.

You can lock your car.

You can lock your house. 

How do I leave my vagina at home? Can I lock my pussy? Can we stop comparing pussy to objects? It doesn’t work for so many reasons. Also, it makes you sound like a fucking idiot when you compare robbery with rape. 

Wait wait wait wait wait. 
If they want to be Mr Masculine Manly Men? Then they don’t get to talk about their feeeeeeeeeelings. It’s what their father and grandfather would have done!
Ooooh, wait, they don’t want to have to act like their grandfather and father did. They just want to have their cake and eat it too (benefiting from modern attitudes, all while demanding the rest of us get dragged back into the 50s). Carry on then.

Wait wait wait wait wait. 

If they want to be Mr Masculine Manly Men? Then they don’t get to talk about their feeeeeeeeeelings. It’s what their father and grandfather would have done!

Ooooh, wait, they don’t want to have to act like their grandfather and father did. They just want to have their cake and eat it too (benefiting from modern attitudes, all while demanding the rest of us get dragged back into the 50s). Carry on then.